Reflections of a wizard
by Erugenel
Summary: Can anyone guess the fires we have passed through? Of the storms we have weathered? Long time fanfic reader, first time fanfic writer. please be kind...
1. Gandalf

**Reflections of a wizard**

_**Olorin (Gandalf)**_

I am old. As old as the earth, maybe. How long have I been in this world, helping those who need help, counseling those who need counsel? As I walk, I can hear my bones creak like the bending and swaying of a tree: stiff yet firm. They cry out, living memories of the past battles I've fought, of the perils I have endured. Why did Manwe Sulimo have to choose me for this task? Even now I still thank Cirdan for Narya, an ever present source of hope and resilience that I need. Fighting Sauron is no joke. And they put me into the body of an old man, and because of that, it is even more difficult to move around like the Maia that I was. Eru! Why did they not give me the more energetic body of a ranger? Oh, yes. So I would not get distracted from my task: to aid in the vanquishing of the Dark Lord. Where's rest when you need it?

Thank the valar that I have the friendship of those hobbits. They are really a marvel and a lingering impression that there is still some good in the world. So that's the rest you can get from being a wizard. Come to think of it, coming to Middle Earth was a totally new experience, I got to see places I had never before seen, met people whom I would have never met before f I gad not agreed to come here. But the tiols of a wizard are hard and long. I learned much from the Valier Nienna what compassion meant, that if I had none I could not carry out my task.

Why is Saruman regarding me strangely now? He looks at me as if he would draw out all the power I have in me to serve his own purposes. Books of arcane lore are scattered about his chamber in orthanc, many of then of the lore of the rings of power. And why do I get the feeling that he knows of Narya, the ring Cirdan gave to me? As the hobbits say, its "not canny".

Can anyone guess the fires we have passed through? Of the storms that we have weathered? Alas for Radagast. Ever since he arrived he is besotted with the creatures of the wild, of the forest and herbs and flowers. Does he know he has strayed from his path, from the task that he had come here to do? I fear that one day the burden will be too great for my shoulders to carry anymore, and someone will have to help me with the burden. Why am I doing all the work? What are the other four doing?

Trouble is brewing in the east. Orcs are issuing more frequently to harass the people. Saruman is behind the attacks in Rohan, somehow. I know it. Some day I shall have to ride there and liberate them. And to Gondor. And to arnor. And to here and there… will it ever end? The list goes on. I have thought many times of giving up halfway, some people were not meant to carry such a weight, I tell myself. But a nagging conscience says to me: if you don't do it, who will? Everyone is too wrapped up in their own little worlds, too concerned with their own troubles to mind an old man with a large pointy hat clad in grey. Where are the small mercies in life?

A few years ago when I was in a village in the westfold, a small girl came up to me and with a little curtsey, presented me with some dandelions. Before I could even open my mouth, she had run off, leaving me to wonder if it was only of my imagination, or did one of the gods put it in her mind to give an old man flowers, or if it was because of her own pure innocent heart. No, the flowers were real. It was no illusion. And up till today I still have that small delicate corsage that she gave to me. It is a reminder to me that however small, there is still some good in this world. It gives me the coyurage and the strength to move on and fight . The world may call me an old fool. Sure, most never look beyond the cover. No one could ever know the burden I shoulder, and to many, I will always be known as Gandalf.


	2. Saruman

**disclaimer: definitely not mine. **

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**Reflections of a wizard**

_**Curumo (Saruman)**_

I love the feeling of power, the sublime sensation of having control over everyone else. Some call me the Wise, some the White, but I am Saruman of many colours. No one may challenge my authority without paying dearly for it.

When I first stepped onto these shores, no one knew me. I longed for fame, the feeling of being known, of being revered and respected. Quickly I rejected the task of aiding those in the fight against Sauron to the fruits of my highly inventive and creative mind. No one but I could see the opportunities I could make out of this Middle Earth. As for Sauron? It is folly to challenge him. Why, he wields the most power in all the land, even if he does not have the ring on his finger. Think of the possibilities of sharing such power! All his power poured into a ring, the embodiment of desire and the epitome of greed. The rings of power are fickle things, yet when one is able to harness their energy, their malice and fire, one is invincible. So I began a long and tedious undertaking: to find out all I could about the rings of power, especially of the one ring.

Gandalf is a fool. He labours ever under the sun, through rain and snow, through fire and stone, all to bring about the fall of Sauron and the destruction of the ring. When I first laid eyes on him at the council in valinor I wondered how Manwe and Varda could ever choose a rag-tag like him. He was weary, clothed in grey rags and newly come from an errand, what did they see in him? Surely their sense of thinking is not warped? Yet he turned out to be one of my most dangerous rivals, whether he knows it or not. I am the head of the council, even if I come from Aule's teaching, no one can match me in knowledge. Not some grey wanderer who is never welcome anywhere he goes.

I set up my abode in orthanc. It is better if you establish headquarters somewhere central where one can "rule" effectively, if you ask me. I kept a close watch on the other istari. Alatar and Pallando, the ithryn luin (a funny pair if you ask me) soon lost touch. Eru knows where they are right now. Radagast I never really bothered with. Though he was a friend of Gandalf, he is worthless and is too preoccupied with his bird and beasts. What a bumbling fool he is. It is in Gandalf, there lies the problem.

I know of the ring that Cirdan gave him. It should have gone to me! I am capable doing of more things than him. Yet he has already started to undo some of the works of Sauron. If I sit in my throne and laze around soon his work will be finished, and what will happen to me? What will I do? I pondered this question for some time when it came to me. That was when I met Grima son of Galmod. A slimy, slinking creature, no doubt worthless on his own but will be of extreme use when I have put my words into his mouth. I packed him off to Rohan, one of the first places that I seek to conquer.

Isengard is a hub of mechanical activity. Very soon I shall outstrip the world in technology and my weaponry and magic shall far exceed and outlast the rest of Middle Earth's. I used to walk among the trees in Fangorn. Now I have no use for them, they are only good for logs to feed my fires that burn ever in Orthanc. I sense the hatred they have for me, yet they are powerless to do anything. It make me want to laugh. How can trees ever hope to put ur a resistance against me, Saruman, even if they have the ents with them?

No one knows this, but sometimes I have entertained the thought of failure. It was unthinkable that I, the great Saruman the White should ever fail. Yet a small nagging persistent thought gnawed away at my mind daily. What of Gandalf? How am I to be rid of him? He is ever persistent in his work. Someday he might succeed. On times like this I gave way to another strong emotion: fear. What did I have to fear if I was the head of the istari? Plenty. Some days I would be consumed by the thought that Manwe would find out about my secret activities and would keep me under lock and key. Another time would be when my troops the orcs would turn tail on me and abandon or kill me, so I never trusted them with anything more important than killing, burning, pillaging, and such.

Some of my days would be spent in guilt, guilt because I was not doing the task that I was here for. I never felt good when it happened, and I would brood and fall into a depression. To repress that feeling I would bury myself in my work and gradually the thought would erase itself. I kept doing this until I felt no more remorse, no more guilt, and my heart was cold and hard as stone. Yet, I reason with myself. Sauron is the unquestionable ruler of this land. How can anyone challenge his power? It is pointless to prepare for war against Him. Sooner or later the world will fall into our hands. Why waste your time Gandalf?

When I first made Isengard my home, I discovered a treasure beyond imagining: a palantir. One cannot guess the usefulness of this magical stone. It is a mystery, yet in a short while, I had bent the stone to my will. With this I can see far, I can see into men's hearts. No secret is safe from me. Yet I had another surprise: Sauron could see me through it. Yet the longer I used, the more insecure I would feel. I began to feel as if the Dark Lord was probing far into my mind, exploring all my secrets and laying them bare, and mocking at me for my foolishness. For what?

I remember when we five first stepped onto the shores of Middle earth I remarked to Gandalf that what a good place it would be for growth, for industry. Quietly he replied that we should stay focused on the task at hand, not let our attention waver. I had taken him into my confidence and told him of my secrets, and he had simply rejected them! Now when I think of it, I wonder if it was at that point that I started to stray from my appointed task. Yet I have never once regretted what I have done, for one day, I know, the whole world will know me as Saruman the Great.

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so that is chapter 2 done. if i get at least three more reviews i will add the other three. flames will be extinguished.  



	3. Radagast

**Hello everyone, erugenel here. I will be updating reflections with Radagast first, then the ithryn luin, or more commonly known as the blue wizards. Thanks to all my lovely reviewers and May god bless you!**

**Disclaimer: nope **

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Reflections of a Wizard**

Middle Earth is an intriguing and fascinating place.

Can the other wizards see the beauty that is in it? I do not care anymore of what they say about me, abandoning my duty to Middle Earth and being enamored with the beasts and animals of this world. Is that not what they called me here to do? I am learning more about the land and of it animals, is that not a valuable contribution? In time they will learn to appreciate the knowledge that I have gathered.

Why does Gandalf go about doing thankless tasks that everyone will scorn him for? We are on this delightful world; we might as well enjoy what we can around here. Mission? Maybe not. Why waste your time, Gandalf? Middle Earth is a lost case anyway.

Saruman truly knows how to cultivate gall bladder stones. Holed away in orthanc, doing nothing but plotting, plotting, endless plotting… sometimes I wonder what he is up to. He should come out and enjoy the tranquility of the forests, not the damp musty rooms full of books that he spends most of his time in nowadays.

This carefree life is not without guilt though. Sometimes I feel the probing eyes of Manwe and all the valar and the Valier on my back, questioning me, why, why did I sway from the task that they had appointed to me in faith? Then, looking around, I would see my beloved trees and animals around me, and all traces of guilt will be gone.

I came to this earth at the vala Orome's behest. I had loved it in valinor, when I was just a spirit of the forest, not ensnared in flesh and with the countenance of an old man. I loved it when I was just Aiwendil, a Maia of the forest. Manwe took away all that I had by exiling me to this eru-forsaken world! Wait, if this world was forsaken, then why in Aman's name am I here? Oh yes, I am here to save the world and bring down the dominion of Sauron. Frankly, I couldn't care less. It was only when Saruman and Gandalf asked me to help was I obliged to as I saw the amount of work they were doing, I felt so sorry for them.

I can sense the scorn that Saruman has for me. I feel the exasperation in Gandalf's words as he tries to persuade me over and over again to change my ways and I reject him. I have chosen a much better path that the others. I chose my freedom when I could grasp it. The others have taken a path doomed from the very beginning.

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**Sorry this is such a short chapter. i ran out of things to say about him. thanks to all my lovely reviewers. You really make my day! **

**Note: i will be posting the blue wizards next in two parts. anyone who has ideas please please please! drop a review to me. **

**erugenel **


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